After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?