After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
reminder
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?