After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Woke up against my better judgment again
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Cat.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.