After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Uh oh…
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.