After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Cat is stressing him out.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)