Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

airing out the snack pack