Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

Flock of bats