After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Breaking news:
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
twitter is a journey
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You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”