After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter