Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.