After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Growing up was a huge mistake
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Always…
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Breaking news:
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on