After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
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Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Seek kebab; not attention
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change