After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
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HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
#parenting
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Uh oh 👀
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.