After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
HELP 😭
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.