After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
2022 will be better than 2021
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children