Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

ㅤ

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–