Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

next question.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys