Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?