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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed