Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

Candles never taste the way they smell

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob