[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this