Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.