Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

Look, the hug is over when I pat you on the back. I’m tapping out, b****.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Rather alarming headline…

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”