After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Yup
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.