Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.