Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

every. time.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus