[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers