Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

AI girlfriend leaving me for other creepy weirdo.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I am HOWLING at this

I got woken up this morning by the bin men. They were telling me to get out of the bin.

Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.