Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

These are my roll models.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.