After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.