After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Lmao
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.