Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Hero horse inspires millions

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

Thursday

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us