After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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From my Mom
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm