After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
This trial is so absurd 😭
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT