After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
The pasta is now
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake