After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I have a new favorite meme page
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
#Caturday
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.