After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail