After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.