After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The 6 types of sex
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles