Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

*weighs self after shaving

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?