Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

What I say:
Play outside.

What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

I love you…

…r dog.