[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
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I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.