After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job