After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.