After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure