After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
You Might Also Like
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Alexa; make it look like an accident
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
I love the honesty
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.