After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
