After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”