After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I came this close!!!!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?