After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
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who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.