After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
#Caturday
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook