After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
it be like that
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
