After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.