After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Thursday Thought.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.