Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

My favorite farside!!

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.