Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

I get distracted pretty eas

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs