After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?