after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
You Might Also Like
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it鈥檚 the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Effort made
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
New dad: my kid started teething it鈥檚 awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You鈥檙e really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid鈥檚 art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn鈥檛 it fancy?!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I鈥檓 holding hands
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 馃槈
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Talk about a bad egg
Canadians: Maybe they鈥檙e born with it, maybe it鈥檚 maple leaf.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?