After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.