Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.