Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.