Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

I’m about to risk it all

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.