After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.