Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.