After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.