After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
You Might Also Like
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way