After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
You Might Also Like
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I put the I in Insufferable.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
a fate I wish upon no one
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
real
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.