after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
me, too, girl. me, too.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.