Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

February 27th, 2020.

I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.

Never give up on your dreams, kids.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba

grandpa was shocked

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?

Lassie, get help!

no exceptions

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Doctors texting each other.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.