Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Not today, today.
Not today.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

The Weeknd is back

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

My dad.