After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus