Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”