After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
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Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m ready to try another planet.
Story of my life…..
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.