After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
You Might Also Like
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Welcome
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy