After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
boat question
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.