After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
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[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?