Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me