After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
You Might Also Like
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
wow he looks just like him
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Monica just destroyed the internet
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight