[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
*pokes sex life with a stick