Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I occasionally drink every single night.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?